Since I’ve started plastering my email address publicly across the Interwebs I’ve received an accosting level of spam in my inbox. Against my better judgement, I’ve decided to reply to them here, using the alter-ego that I just made up. All spelling mistakes are their fault. And for the love of god, don’t go to ANY of their links.
From: SWISS LOTTO NEDERLANDS [redacted]
SWISS LOTTO NETHERLANDS
CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU HAVE WON 750,000 EURO
You have been awarded 750,000 Euros in the SWISS-LOTTO Satellite Software email lottery in which e-mail addresses are picked randomly by Software powered by the Internet through the worldwide website, your email address was amongst those Chosen this year for the SWISS-LOTTO Satellite lottery. And this promotional program is proudly sponsored by the SWISS-LOTTO organization.
Your email address attached to Ref number 5, 7, 14, 17, 18, 43 with Serial 10, and consequently won the lottery in the “A” Category. You have therefore been approved for a lump sumpay out of 750,000 Euros. Number 1979-12 drew the lucky Numbers101979-12 drew the lucky Numbers please note that you are lucky winning number falls within our European Booklet representative. In View of this, your winning prize will be released to you by our fiduciary agent located In the Netherlands.
Our European agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate the release of your winning funds as soon as you Contact them. This promotion takes place annually. For security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning details confidential till your claims is processed and your Winning funds remitted to you in whatever manner you deem fit to Claim your prize. This is part of ourprecautionary measureto avoid double claiming and unwarranted d abuse of this program by some unscrupulous elements.
To file for your claim, please contact our fiduciary agent:
contact person: Mr. David Barnet Bradley
Provide him with the informations as stated below:
(7) Country of Residence:
(9) Telephone Number:
(11)Draw Number above:
These details facilitate thedue processand the release of winnings to avoid unnecessary delays and complications in the processing of your Winnings. Congratulations once more from all members and staff of this program.
Mr. Kenneth Gram
Online Games Director
TO: SWISS- DUTCH LOTTERY PEOPLE
HOLY SHIT! I WON! I won a lottery that I in no geographical way could have entered! And Holland is owned by Switzerland now!
Ohhh, wait it’s an email lottery. Well that makes more sense. Out of the literal trillions of email addresses, mine happened to get picked for the big prize. Amazingly it was “powered by the Internet” which I didn’t even know was a thing we could extract power from. Pretty soon we’ll have cars fueled by Nyan cat.
So 750,000 Euros, huh? Now that Europe is collapsing under itself, I could probably get like, one shoe. Wait something’s fishy here. You’re telling me that there’s a ref number, a serial number, a category, AND a lucky number and I got them all right? Never mind, I didn’t realize you had a European booklet representative overseeing the whole process. This is so official I can taste the staplers. I’m still not convinced “fiduciary” is a word though.
I’m a little weirded out by the fact that there are random capital letters on some stuff. You need me to “Contact” the agent to release my funds? Why the emphasis? Are you winking when you say it? Does it involve “unscrupulous elements?” Is it sexual? It’s sexual isn’t it? Maybe I’m not understanding the Swiss-Dutch accent.
Alright Mr. DBB I got your info right here:
(1) Name: Carlisle T. Twillingsworth the Tweeth
(2) Address: 17 FreeBlumpkins Circle
(3) Marital: It’s Complicated
(4) Age: Yes, Please!
(5) Sex: 16, 18 in European
(6) Nationality: Canadian-Mexican. Figure that out.
(7) Country of Residence: The Fortress of Solitude, but I wasn’t born there so I can never be president.
(8) Occupation: Marketing Rep (S.H.I.E.L.D.)
(9) Telephone Number: I can’t remember what the RickRoll hotline is.
(10)Fax Number: I can’t remember what my boss’s fax number is.
(11)Draw Number above: what, you just want me to repeat what you wrote? (I knew the Dutch were lazy but the Dutch-Swiss?)
That should do it, Gram Cracker. I look forward to Meeting you in Person so we can Talk about the details of my WiNnInGs.
From: LOTTERY COMMISION [redacted]
INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY COMMISSION
FROM THE DESK OF THE VICE PRESIDENT
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS / PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT
28011, MADRID, SPAIN
Attn: Lucky Winner,
We wish to congratulate you over your Email success in our computer Balloting. Your email address drew and has won you the sum of €935,470.00 Euros (Nine Hundred and Thirty Five Thousand Four Hundred and Seventy Euros) in SPANISH INTERNATIONAL E-MAIL AWARD PROMOTION PROGRAM 2012 in cash credited to file with WINNING REFERENCE NUMBER: 589036789/NTC; BATCH NUMBER: 10/12/798567 LUCKY NUMBER:23-7-2-6-12-9; SERIAL NUMBER:6594 and PROMOTION DATE :17th October 2012. All Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 300,000 companies and 600,000 individual email addresses selected from the web. To claim your winning prize, you are to contact the appointed agent directly as soon as possible for the immediate. release of your winnings, with your information below:
DATE OF BIRTH: _______________.
VITALICO SEGUROS S.A
SERGIO FERNANDEZ on
Tel: [redacted] ( in USA Call [redacted])
Congratulations once again from all our staff.
Mrs. Paulina Hanna (Lottery co-ordinator)
International Lottery commission.
You’re not gonna believe this, but I just responded to an email about winning the Internet, so instead of commenting on how bafflingly coincidental that is, I’d like to pass my fortune onto the next lucky winner in the spirit of honesty and integrity. Something I’m sure you and the International Lottery Commission take very seriously.
I’m still a little confused on how you draw these numbers. You’re telling me you have an Excel spreadsheet somewhere filled with 600,000 batch numbers, reference numbers, and lucky numbers? No wonder you give away 935,470 Euros, rather than a normal, non-suspicious, even number like 1,000,000: your database costs must be through the roof! I’d offer to help out but the only time I’ve ever used C++ was to forge a better grade on my college thesis.
I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and hand over this info. But I refuse to re-read what you asked for and instead will do my best to remember.
Ref No: 800-588-2300-empire-today
Occupation: lottery winner
Guilty Pleasure: Hillbilly Handfishin’ on Discovery channel
Most Oddly Specific Sexual Turn-on: Having my Miranda Rights read to me
Least Favorite Pizza Topping: Not sure what that has to do with it, I don’t really like pizza
Video Game That Most Represents Your Core Values: Custer’s Revenge
That’s enough. If you can’t find me using just that information than you don’t know how to use Google.
Your email ID Won 1,500,000.00 GBP in The UK Online Promo To claim
send Name,address,country, age,state,phone number,Occupation to [redacted]
OK now you’re not even trying.