Site Update: New Year 2013

December 31, 2012

Happy New Yizzle.

I’ve had a ton of fun doing this blog so far, and now that I have a 3-month back catalog I think it’s time for a few changes.

First, I’m changing the new content schedule from every Monday to every other Monday. Bear with me here, I’m doing this for a few reasons.

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The 4 Worst Holidays (Are All Canadian)

December 21, 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Flag_of_Canada.svg

Poor Canada.

Existing so close to the United States must be heartbreaking. We get credit for everything. We won World War II and saved the Universe, even though you guys had the third largest navy and were just as important in the landings at Normandy. Yet no matter how you frame it, Canada still functions essentially as America’s hat. Or…we’re Canada’s pants. Either way, Florida is the dick of North America.

So in the spirit of the season of giving and Goodwill, I’d like to give the gift of this article, which takes a massive dump on Canada’s cultural traditions by using Wikipedia to point out how much their holidays suck compared to ours, from a guy who has only been there twice. And then I will go buy some old furniture from Goodwill.

I’m sorry. But they really suck.

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Media Matters: Why The News Needs To Stop Covering Mass Murders

December 17, 2012

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:War_of_the_Worlds_ET.jpg

Media Matters¬†is where I look at some current event or trend in the media and make fun of it, while at the same time possibly downplaying how serious of a problem it actually is because we would all be sad if I didn’t.

- – – – -

I already had something planned for today’s post. I had a light hearted joke piece sitting in drafts all ready to go. But I can’t publish that. Not now. It’s not right.

I should probably warn you that this article is going to be quite unfunny, but I feel that it is important enough to write about, and I think most people would agree. I’m not going to get into the politics of it, even though this is as good a time as any, nor will I talk much about the victims and their families. The last thing they need is another blog post discussing their lives.

On Friday, I cried.

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Leftovers: More of the Worst Marketing Ideas Ever Put Into Action

December 10, 2012

http://www.businessinsider.com/failed-mcdonalds-items-2011-8?op=1

Leftovers is where I dump the stuff that never made it onto other sites. Maybe it was an idea that didn’t pan out, or just extra entries that were cut from an article. You get the scraps.

These were two of my cut entries for my Cracked.com article of the same name, of which I collaborated with a few other talented writers, and of which you will find the hilarious story that is the McAfrika. Here’s two that were cut before publication.

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Breakdown: “Call Me Maybe” is Actually About a Sociopathic Relationship

December 3, 2012

http://articles.latimes.com/2012/sep/18/entertainment/la-et-ms-album-review-carly-rae-jepsen-kiss-20120917

At some point in my life, I realized pop music lyrics make no damn sense. Mostly because it’s more about the feel of the music and less about the poetry, so songwriters can get away with the most ridiculous assaults on the English language. In Breakdown, I overanalyze the shit of these lyrics and completely miss the point in the process.

This Week’s Breakdown:

“Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen

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