Leftovers is where I dump the stuff that never made it onto other sites. Maybe it was an idea that didn’t pan out, or just extra entries that were cut from an article. You get the scraps.
These were two of my cut entries for my Cracked.com article of the same name, of which I collaborated with a few other talented writers, and of which you will find the hilarious story that is the McAfrika. Here’s two that were cut before publication.
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1) Pizza From Hell
Time for a quick role-play (no, not that kind): Pretend you are participating in a focus group that wants to determine which words people associate most with pizza (Ok, we guess it could be that kind if you’re into that).
“Delicious,” one guy says from the back.
“Greasy,” another person shouts up front.
“Adolf Hitler!” said nobody ever.
Your eyes do not deceive. That is The Fuhrer himself saluting with what appears to be a slice of pepperoni, and it belongs to a New Zealand chain called Hell Pizza. “Oh Come on!” the worst people in the world are thinking. “That’s not so bad!”
How bout these Don Draperiffic examples:
So…they’re implying that those guys just hang out there? That the only way to gain entry to their restaurant is to be an evil dictator, a terrorist, or Hitler? At this point, we wouldn’t be surprised to learn that they made a TV ad starring the reanimated corpses of Heath Ledger, Queen Elizabeth, and Mount Everest conqueror Sir Edmond Hilary dancing on their own graves to Thriller, right after they all died in real life.
Touche, New Zealand. Stay Classy.
That last one required apologies to Sir Hilary’s family, but Hell’s rap sheet is a mile long. It includes putting condoms in people’s mailboxes to promote their “Lust” pizzas, and literally buying some guys soul for $5000. If you didn’t notice in the above pictures, their phone number starts with 666. It’s like, is the pizza even good? We guess so, since they apparently got Satan and The Pope to endorse it.
Admittedly, I would buy way more munchkins if they had little pentagrams on them.
2) Mission Impossibly Stupid
You may remember the infamous Aqua Teen Hunger Force Bomb Scare that occurred in Boston in 2007. Before that however, there was another marketer in L.A. that should have paid attention in “You Should Have Known Better” 101.
The geniuses hired to advertise Mission Impossible III in 2006 came up with a clever gimmick. They would install digital noisemakers in newspaper racks around the city that would play the theme song when someone bought a newspaper! Oh, that’s cute. Now what did these noisemakers look like?
Exactly like bombs, of course!
As you can imagine, people lost their shit when a computer chip covered in wires fell from the top of their newspaper boxes. So much so in fact, that the bomb squad was called to blow one of them the hell up, thus providing the officers with most ridiculous answer ever to “How was your day, honey?”
“Same old, same old. I did get to detonate a newspaper receptacle because of someone else’s stupidity.”
It gets dumber. If you saw the movie, you may recall that the plot revolved around criminals planting micro-explosive devices into people’s heads. And also something about Ving Rhames.
See more articles by Chris over at Cracked.com.
