Other than sending our tax money to the Pentagon, there is nothing we Americans do more mindlessly and without regard for consequence than listen to Christmas music. For some reason, we’ve been throwing on the same records for decades without any irony at all but somehow we haven’t taken two seconds to ask ourselves why we are still listening to them. Now that we have the Internet, there is no excuse for this, and the first step for all of us was to admit that “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” was really about a woman who is unable to leave a man’s house after drinking a mystery cocktail. Here’s a few more that we should leave to history.
For the vast majority of my life, I’ve been scared of horror movies. I can’t even remember the first one I ever saw, but it must to have been bad enough to turn me off of them forever (maybe Grease 2? That was a horror movie, right?). For years, I had avoided every Friday the 13th, every Nightmare on Elm Street, every Saw, and every music video by Marylyn Manson. That was until my friends forced me to watch Saw II. I did not want to. I pleaded and pleaded. I would rather have eaten off-brand Boo Berries in a bowl of spoiled milk. But they had me outmatched. So, in protest, I watched the entire movie through a little slit in my fingers with morbid curiosity like an 8-year-old girl.
Oh, also, I was a freshman in college.
If you want to figure out what freedom means to you, take your favorite thing and then realize you wouldn’t be able to do that thing in Saudi Arabia because your Internet would be censored.
Every year on July 3rd, my Dad takes my family to the Boston July 4th rehearsal show (it’s the same show minus fireworks). Through a business connection, he gets us VIP passes that put us right up front and grants us access backstage. Using this pass, I’ve met Dr. Phil, the Rascal Flatts, Michael Chiklis, (almost) David Lee Roth and Aerosmith, Craig Ferguson at least four times, and Keith Lockhart many more. We’ve gone every year for almost a decade.
But this year is going to be different. With the bombings a couple months ago, it is likely to be a more somber, yet patriotic show. My guess is that record numbers will be in attendance. Also on scene will be a ridiculous increase in security. No backpacks, coolers, or liquids. Oh great.
Yesterday was Mother’s Day. Here are the three stupidest things mine has ever said to me.
The Star Wars Prequels are hands-down the most underrated series of movies ever developed. I saw Episode I when I was 10 years old, and it changed my life. The drama. The tension. The light sabers. The Jar Jar.
Now, this may be a rather unpopular opinion, and I invite people to politely disagree. But I believe I have indisputable proof that these movies were simply better than the originals in almost every aspect. In this list, I will explain how all the characters that were introduced and then killed off in Episode I actually have full character arcs that rival The Godfather. I will analyze the dialog, and breakdown exactly why George Lucas’s writing chops shone brighter than ever, especially during Episode II’s pivotal scenes. I will argue why Hayden Christensen and that kid with the bowl cut couldn’t have been more perfect for their roles as Anakin, and why Yoda became way more interesting as an entirely computer generated whatever he is. Also, as an avid C-SPAN watcher, I thoroughly enjoyed the parts about the Galactic Senate, and if anything the movies needed some extra explanation as to how the trade embargoes affected the constituents of the voting majority.
But let’s start with the basics. What really made these movies so great?
Existing so close to the United States must be heartbreaking. We get credit for everything. We won World War II and saved the Universe, even though you guys had the third largest navy and were just as important in the landings at Normandy. Yet no matter how you frame it, Canada still functions essentially as America’s hat. Or…we’re Canada’s pants. Either way, Florida is the dick of North America.
So in the spirit of the season of giving and Goodwill, I’d like to give the gift of this article, which takes a massive dump on Canada’s cultural traditions by using Wikipedia to point out how much their holidays suck compared to ours, from a guy who has only been there twice. And then I will go buy some old furniture from Goodwill.
I’m sorry. But they really suck.
In honor of Halloween, I’m going to take 3 seemingly ordinary objects and scare the hell out of you with them, the same way that Toy Story scared the hell out of me with normal, everyday, Cycloptic Octo-Baby Dolls.