4 Creepy Ways The Sochi Olympics Turned Into A Sci-Fi Totalitarian Nightmare

February 21, 2014


Anyone who knows me (or reads me), knows I’m a huge fan of the Olympics. They are the only sports I watch, and although I can’t quite put my finger on it, I think the reason they are so compelling is because the stakes appear to be so high. We have entire countries battling each other not with missiles but with the fastest, most athletic people they have. There’s more national pride at stake than any other international sporting event other than the World Cup, except the Olympics don’t suck. And while you’ll never catch me dead watching Couple’s Ice Dancing or Balance Beam Hippity-Hopping any other day of the week, every two years I’ll be glued to the T.V. like glitter on an elementary school art project.

So here we are in the midst of Russia’s Winter Olympics, being held in a town so subtropical it has palm trees. And while lamestream news outlets have been focused on medal counts, the country’s openly-encouraged gay-bashing, or freakin’ Chobani yogurt, many have missed the most ridiculous stuff that has been going on behind the scenes. Not only do these things confirm every stereotype I’ve ever had about Russia, it further proves that the cold war has simply turned into a wintery mix and it’s as awesome as ever. Here’s some of the stuff you might have missed:

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How To Motivate Yourself By Gamify-ing Your Life

January 27, 2014


Welcome to 2014. I gave it a few weeks just to make sure that the Sun didn’t explode (if you are reading this via time machine, I guess I was wrong). A lot of you have made resolutions that you very likely have already broken. Many have fallen for the big sale at the gym, where if you had taken ten seconds to do the math out you would have realized that it would cost you 17 dollars every time you go. So what’s the problem? Maybe you feel lazy, or unmotivated, or have one more Animus Fragment to collect in Assassin’s Creed. But I’m here to tell you that there’s a way to take those negative characteristics and put them to work for you.

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3 Stupid Christmas Songs We Need To Stop Playing

December 16, 2013


Other than sending our tax money to the Pentagon, there is nothing we Americans do more mindlessly and without regard for consequence than listen to Christmas music. For some reason, we’ve been throwing on the same records for decades without any irony at all but somehow we haven’t taken two seconds to ask ourselves why we are still listening to them. Now that we have the Internet, there is no excuse for this, and the first step for all of us was to admit that “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” was really about a woman who is unable to leave a man’s house after drinking a mystery cocktail. Here’s a few more that we should leave to history.

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How I Learned To Love Horror

October 28, 2013

For the vast majority of my life, I’ve been scared of horror movies. I can’t even remember the first one I ever saw, but it must to have been bad enough to turn me off of them forever (maybe Grease 2? That was a horror movie, right?). For years, I had avoided every Friday the 13th, every Nightmare on Elm Street, every Saw, and every music video by Marylyn Manson. That was until my friends forced me to watch Saw II. I did not want to. I pleaded and pleaded. I would rather have eaten off-brand Boo Berries in a bowl of spoiled milk. But they had me outmatched. So, in protest, I watched the entire movie through a little slit in my fingers with morbid curiosity like an 8-year-old girl.

Oh, also, I was a freshman in college.

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4 Life Lessons You Learn On A Caribbean Cruise Vacation

September 30, 2013


Exactly a year ago, I, my girlfriend, and another couple went on a Caribbean cruise vacation. Man, if I gave myself timely writing deadlines I would have fired myself by now.

Before I went, I had some misconceptions. Now that I’ve gone, I honestly think cruises get a bad rap. Especially since Carnival apparently decided to hire a bunch of 5-year-olds as executives (“HAHA! Let’s play with Poop!”). There are always 3 types of people in the cruise world: those who went once in the 80’s, had a horrible experience, and vowed never to return, those who need toes and fingers to count how many times they’ve gone, and those who have never been. The truth is, if you know what you are getting into, it can be a great experience. My first time was probably the most fun vacation I ever had. Here are the life lessons I learned that extended far beyond into my real life:

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State of The Blog: Year 1

September 2, 2013

Today is the one year anniversary of me buckling down and starting this blog (well technically, it was on September 3rd but calendars suck). I’ve had a ton of fun so far, and I haven’t given up yet, so that’s a good sign.

I’d like to take a minute to look back on the most interesting things that have happened in the last year with me doing this, and maybe to even include some of the things I’ve learned so at least it’s educational. (For those of you wondering, a more substantial post is coming at the end of the month, so quit your blabbering. This is just for fun.)

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5 Real Reasons Why It’s Impossible To Find A Job

August 5, 2013


Last month, I started my career as a freelance writer/borderline homeless person. Although I have some other sources of income, my day is mostly going to be dedicated to writing. It’s something I really want to try, and if I fail, it will at least be spectacular in scale.

This decision comes in the wake of the fact that I have spent the last year and a half actively (and passively) job hunting to no avail. I’ve concluded that it’s become a waste of my time and, like an angry teenager, quit out of protest. I also bought black eyeliner and plan on telling my mom that she can’t make me do something in the near future.

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