My Ridiculous Journey Trying To Buy An iPhone

February 18, 2013

http://www.engadget.com/2012/09/12/iphone-5-officially-announced/

I pride myself on the fact that I am able to keep this blog up-to-date with current events and that I am timely with everything I write. Which is why I’ll be telling a story that happened at the end of last year.

In 2012, my girlfriend and I decided to get iPhones upon walking by an Apple store in the mall. It was a spontaneous and pointless decision in a moment of fancy, not unlike one made by any character ever played by Zooey Deshanel.

We both had the original Motorola Droid phones at the time, which we bought when the Droid 2 was already out. So already we were long overdue for an upgrade. We walked right into the store with the full intention of just doing buying one, even though I wasn’t even sure which model model I wanted. We’re just so whimsical!

But before we irreversibly typecasted ourselves as happy little fun-fairies, I wanted to do the research.

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Omegle Chats: Permission To Pee

February 11, 2013

http://omegle.com/

Omegle is an anonymous insta-chat site, and it’s it’s fun and easy to mess with people. Read these if you want a quick laugh.

If you are not familiar, the “you” is me, the “stranger” is a random person, and the question is written by another random person, who just watches the conversation (in horror). These are all real, edited for clarity because people can’t type.

- – - – -

You are now chatting with a random stranger. Say Hi!

Question to discuss:

Hi. I am physically beautiful and intelligent. I need to make twenty thousand dollars in four months. What are my options?

YOU: ha

Stranger: hmmm

YOU: ur not gonna like the options

Stranger: prostitution..

YOU: 2 words – Web. Cam.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

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4 Things No One Tells You About Moving Into Your First Apartment

February 4, 2013

http://www.laobserved.com/photo/archive/2012/02/crapi-apartments.php

So, I have finally moved out of my parents house. The good news is HOLY CRAP FINALLY I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MY WHOLE LIFE. The bad news is nothing, it’s perfect.

Sorry, I’m still a little overjoyed. Let me start by describing my new situation.

First, it’s the Goldilocks of apartments.

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Leftovers: More Mind-Blowing Ways Science Has Done The Impossible

January 21, 2013

Einstein Writing Equation on Blackboard

Leftovers is where I dump the stuff that never made it onto other sites. Maybe it was an idea that didn’t pan out, or just extra entries that were cut from an article. You get the scraps.

These were some of my cut entries for my Cracked.com article of the same name. Maybe they will get reused if I end up doing a sequel.

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Why Winter Was The Best Season As A KId

January 7, 2013

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Snowman_on_frozen_lake.jpg

When I was a youngen, I was different than all the other kids in a fundamental way: I hated the summer. Sure, you got school off, but I just never cared about beach trips and sweating on my own couch. When it came to naming your favorite season, you were cool if you said “summer” (and gay if you said “spring”, and a total nerd if you said “autumn” because that word is stupid). I went against the grain. I always said “winter.” Here’s why.

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Site Update: New Year 2013

December 31, 2012

Happy New Yizzle.

I’ve had a ton of fun doing this blog so far, and now that I have a 3-month back catalog I think it’s time for a few changes.

First, I’m changing the new content schedule from every Monday to every other Monday. Bear with me here, I’m doing this for a few reasons.

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The 4 Worst Holidays (Are All Canadian)

December 21, 2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Flag_of_Canada.svg

Poor Canada.

Existing so close to the United States must be heartbreaking. We get credit for everything. We won World War II and saved the Universe, even though you guys had the third largest navy and were just as important in the landings at Normandy. Yet no matter how you frame it, Canada still functions essentially as America’s hat. Or…we’re Canada’s pants. Either way, Florida is the dick of North America.

So in the spirit of the season of giving and Goodwill, I’d like to give the gift of this article, which takes a massive dump on Canada’s cultural traditions by using Wikipedia to point out how much their holidays suck compared to ours, from a guy who has only been there twice. And then I will go buy some old furniture from Goodwill.

I’m sorry. But they really suck.

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